I recently decided to put the U.S. Government and current administration to the test today by participating in the CARS or “Cash For Clunkers” program. This program released by the current administration that will remain unnamed was purportedly designed to “take lower fuel efficiency cars off the roads and replace them with newer, more fuel-efficient models by providing buyers of new cars with a cash discount incentive.” Fine, I’ll bite. Sounds logical, right?

Today was the final day the offer was valid and, needless to say, I did NOT drive home in a new car today but in my existing, gas-swallowing, emission-spewing, paid-for clunker. What I learned about the sincerity and legitimacy and actual viability of this government program didn’t surprise me in the least.

The bottom line is: the CARS program was an acronym for “Come And Receive Shit.” And I did just that.

First of all, my 1995 Nissan Pathfinder qualified with flying colors. The dealer explained to me in a little more detail about the process involved with them being able to offer the CARS incentive of up to $4500 USD off of the price of a new vehicle to customers. It is the stuff that only a government program could be made of, full of minute details that are sitting in discreet places like little landmines ready to derail the deal around every turn. In fact, a single character difference between several discreet copies of information contained within paperwork from registration and insurance documents to whether you’ve ever been a prominent pop singer in a third-world country can take the incentive right off the table.

Essentially, the dealership told me (I have a friend who works there who I was dealing with), that the government had promised them this incentive, then found 8 ways ’til Tuesday to get out of actually paying the incentives by creating a process that was so convoluted and constrained that I’d be SHOCKED if 1 in 1000 customers even could meet the qualifications. I, however, met every qualification standard to receive the incentive, yet the dealer was unable (unwilling rather) to provide it to me because of how it works.

The government offers the incentive as a credit to the dealer. The dealer takes the hit up front and the government promises to reimburse the dealer for cars that meet “the standards.” The particular dealer I was at today complained that they had an entire back lot of cars that met said incentive qualifications, yet they remained un-reimbursed for the vehicles. Because of this, the dealer was unwilling to take any more risk and thus was not honoring qualified buyers incentive discounts even when they clearly meet the requirements as I did. So basically, the man no pay, the dealer no deal. In short, what the government DID succeed to do was to get people back on to car lots for the first time in a long time. I, like many others, otherwise would never be seen sitting around for hours on end waiting to be lied to, shifted and frustrated into a less-than-good deal.

Incidentally, I am contemplating a new car but fled the dealership and left my mobile number they can call with their best deal. If not, I have a way home in the car I came in.

So how many shit-spewing cars were actually taken off the road? It’s dubious that a significant number were and I am salivating to read the reports. Like I said: at the very best, people are back on car lots now that the government uses a piece of them. But in the end the CARS program was no better than the old bait-and-switch tactic. Al Gore can count on choking down a lifetime of toxic emissions while polar bears drown in melting seas of ice.

Ah f*ck it — <shaking head> here:

Sooooooo where’s everybody gonna live?

The Japanese got it right, but that took dedication, discipline and manners (I have reason to believe  a good portion of the Japanese people are more highly evolved than other Homo sapiens). Japan has somewhere in the neighborhood of 127 million people (close to half the U.S. population) all living in an area about the size of California. The country is actually much larger in square mileage but most of it’s mountainous and difficult to settle so the livable areas are super densely populated. So to make living with at least two other peoples’ heads up your ass most of the time, the Japanese adapted their culture to be rich in manners and tradition valuing respect and honor above all. In essence, they put community before self in almost every case. You don’t see free-range kids yapping, screaming and destroying things in Japan. Neighbors respect things like the relative volume of their stereos. Order is abundant in Japan.

Now do that with a bunch of yahoo Americans. They’d eat each other in a week.

The chaos that infests other parts of the world (America) was underscored by a recent trip to Universal Studios in Orlando where I’ve learned that humans actually hold family reunions in theme parks on this particular trip as pointed out to me by my sibling when I asked what the statistical odds were that so many unruly rejects were in one place at one time. In a particularly exemplary showing of the species, The Hulk ride had broken down and was closed for repairs for a short time. During this hour-long time frame a couple hundred of us agreed that the wait was worth being towards the front of the line which regularly had a 2-hour wait to ride otherwise. So we began assembling lines from the gate back. Super orderly-like. The group of us formed a neat line in descending order from the approximate times we arrived to the line. Some people even gestured others in front of them since they were observed to have arrived moments earlier. And just when I thought there might yet be hope for the species, one of these “family reunions” caught wind of a potential coup and a mass of a hundred or more in their “herd” recklessly crashed the neat line we had formed and rushed the front of the line pushing men, women and children out of their way indiscriminately.

An Englishman who was with his wife and daughter ahead of me tried to reason with the mass and voiced his displeasure to the heathens. They either ignored him outright or, at most, engaged him with a confused look and a slight tilt of the primal head. Desperately, the man appealed to me since he was clearly not going to be communicating with the lower-evolved. His point was that, in England, if people did this, they would be ashamed of their behaviour (yes, I did it, it’s proper and in context) and that that kind of behaviour (again) is simply unheard of.

He made his point to me by referencing the behaviour (yup) as “you Americans…” to which, after listening to this point, I finally chimed in. “I’m American and I know better.” So it’s not all about birthplace.

So back to what the hell we’re going to do with all these bodies. First and foremost, more bodies means more resource attrition. That means more competition. That means fighting and the bashing of heads with rocks. Any way you cut it, the outlook for the species is grim. Then there’s the more prevalent spread of disease due to relative proximity, overcrowding, sanitation issues.  The list goes on and on and on and on.

By 2050 I’ll be in my golden years, looking down from my timeshare on the moon and saying, “I told ya so.”

Uhhh, are you prehistoric zealot monkeys f*cking serious?? Well, yes, I suppose you are giving Genius + Species reason to exist. In that case, thanks and keep up the…er…good work. Can I interest you in a rock to the head rather than cane to the arse?

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/08/20/malaysia.caning/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn

Drinking in public… you mean like where other humans are too? Oh, oh, I see. Its my RELIGION that makes it wrong. Ok, fine–totally my bad.  Thought it was something relevant like my haircut or something. No, no. Carry on then.

Written words offer some thin layer of protection and a sense of security that you have time to edit your thoughts precisely and that you have time to formulate a retort rather than acting on instinct alone (that would get most of you idiots killed anyhow).

The recent attack on what your government calls “free speech” rights by way of a blogger’s identity ordered to be forcefully revealed by Internet giant Google by New York State Supreme Court will set a precedent in your laws but also another major milestone for setbacks in evolution of species.

How far do you go before you breed a generation absolutely silent?

There are two ways to handle this: 1) encourage rational thought that would logically indicate to anyone that emotional response has no consequence other than “hurting your poor feelings;” or, 2) play into the whim of irrational thought and censor speech because it “hurts your poor f*cking feelings.”

Let’s understand something about where all this is coming from in the first place. Do you understand why your “feelings” get hurt? Or do you cry in the corner and blame the world?  Sissy.  Anyhow, back in the day (and in this pussified world today to some degree), our emotional brain played an important role in keeping us alive. Before we ever had the time or the thumbs to sit around and contemplate our world and its mechanics, it was considered a good day to simply survive it and maybe hump a few of our kind to produce some more of us. That was the prime directive of the species, after all.

Emotions come from the very ancient “reptilian” parts of the brain. They exist to do exactly one thing: think on autopilot while your slower, logical brain sits there and tries to figure out what the hell is going on. Don’t believe me? Then try an experiment with me. Light something on fire. It can be a lighter, your stove burner, a campfire—whatever. Next, put your hand in the flames. Now see how long you can keep it there. Bet you jerked away in a hurry, huh Sally?  That’s because your automatic savior keeps you from doing retarded things like lighting yourself on fire. God didn’t save you, your reptilian brain saved you. It used your nerves to feed it data, sensed imminent harm or danger then completely took over your body including all the muscles in your arm and hand to remove the threat.

So what? God, you people kill me.

As it relates to this recent evolutionary blasphemy, the point is that WORDS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN WORDS. Further written words are not even verifiably spoken words coming from a direct, identifiable source who may mean you harm. So emotional response is completely out of line. The fact that your “feelings get hurt” is only relevant when your life is in danger. So unless there was a direct threat to the safety of your skank called Liskula Cohen, it makes absolutely zero sense suing on the grounds of hurt feelings, much less your courts (meaning your overlords) supporting such a ridiculous notion.

Where this is all going is that now you monkeys are likely going to crack down on your species making others of your species reptilian brains respond in “undesirable ways.” This will lead to more laws that limit how you pass air over the vocal chords that have evolved for speech (completely independent of your moronic thinking seemingly consciously undermining the very survival of the species) and how you use motor function to communicate thoughts and ideas that are not vocalized but conveyed through written medium—Lest we take the chance of making one of the species feel like they “don’t belong” to the clan. Back in the day, if there was real danger, you’d have known it. If you lived, your killer instincts would have been passed on through sex (provided you weren’t ugly as sin). If a real threat existed, there would have been some quick bashing of heads with rocks to figure out who was right and the species inherits the winner.

You’re all skanks—sue me.